Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Rolling in the Deep....

After much observation in both men of women alike, it has occurred to me that people in general, like to be seen as deep.  One of the quickest ways of appearing deep is to say, "or is it?" after somebody else has said something. Or is it? You can get a similar effect simply by transposing the key elements in any sentence. For example, when someone says, "Women are the power in the home", you could immediately reply with, "Yes, but home is the power in the woman".  Just make sure there isn't anyone even deeper in range who might just chip in with, "I think you'll find that power is the home of women" ~_~

Humans, like fish, get more unpleasant looking the deeper they get. If you're going to be deep, don't wear bright colours. Deep people, I've noticed, always wear black to signify their great undiscovered depths. Sequins, on the other hand, have the opposite effect!

Including foreign phrases in your conversation is a 'sine qua non' of  being deep, preferably phrases nobody's ever heard of :p You won't get away with 'Frère Jacques, dormez-vous?' in all but the most shallowest of company.

Bitter hollow laughs are great for added depth. After someone says something completely innocuous, such as "they're bound to have Hoover bags in the corner shop", a bitter hollow laugh will show that you know through long and bitter experience that life isn't that simple - you're deep!! Even if you're proved wrong, you can retrieve the situation by saying, "Yes, but is there a shop in the bag?" or "Plus ça change, plus ça Hoover bag". Neither of which makes any sense at all, but if you're wearing black, people will assume you've found meaning at a much deeper level than they can penetrate.

Another excellent way of showing how complex and brainy you are, is by answering any question with the phrase, "It depends on what you mean by that". Don't use this too much though, otherwise someone might turn around and say, "What do you mean by meaning?" Which then would've meant that you have subjected yourself to a battle with the other person whereby you try to 'out-deep' each other. You'll then be at such depth that your head might implode with the pressure. 

A vital accessory for deep people is a difficult book, preferably by a Russian author specialising in poverty, misery and death. It's best to buy this book second hand if you can, so even if you don't get past page 2, it will still look as though you're reading it for the 5th time for hidden depths.

It's equally vital to steer clear of any ball games if you want to appear deep... Juggling, bouncing, heading and dribbling are completely contrary to cool pensiveness. The other enemy of depth, and those that live at that level is the word 'bollocks'. You can't change the word round, it doesn't translate, and even, "or is it?" invites the final authoritative answer, "Yes, it is."

Thursday, 10 May 2012

Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired.

Research has shown that a third of one's life is spent asleep. Another third is spent feeling like it would be nice to go back to bed. The final third is spent hoping that it will soon be time to go to bed. Feeling tired is like being up and about but still having your brain under the duvet. People who do the least get the most tired. Teenagers often have to go back to bed to cope with the exhaustion brought on by the trauma of getting up. When you're really tired, even the thought of doing something is exhausting. In fact, doing something is generally less tiring than thinking about doing something. 

Smiling is supposed to be good for you because it exercises many of the facial muscles. On the other hand, trying to keep your eyes open when you're exhausted uses every single one of the facial muscles, which is why it's impossible to smile at the same time. No surprise then that the first casualty of tiredness is charm. There's no such thing as an insomniac charmer. As you get more and more tired, you can't say anything charming, then you can't say anything interesting, then anything nice, followed by anything intelligible, and finally anything at all because if you moved your mouth your eyes would close.

There is a phrase which says that when you're tired of London you're tired of life. This explains why people on the underground generally look suicidal. There's another phrase,'Tired of Swindon, get a life', but that's slightly different. They also say 'early to bed, early to rise, makes you healthy, wealthy and wise' - hence the national glut of rich philosopher-milkmen. A better phrase would be the complete opposite: 'late to bed, late to rise, makes you unhealthy, poor and stupid'. It won't be long before beds carry a government health warning- 'Sleeping in Kills'. A nasty condition some people suffer from is when you get too tired to sleep. This is where the whole business of putting your head on the pillow and falling asleep is just too much effort to go through with. Equally nasty is feeling tired when you get up in the morning. This is like feeling dirty when you get out of the shower: you feel well and truly cheated. Some people can catnap for ten minutes and then carry on as fresh as a daisy. For most normal people, having a nap is like a tiredness enhancer. You get fleeting pleasure from falling asleep, but then you wake up three hours later with a hangover, cramp, dry mouth, dead leg, gummy eye, leaving your partner there, wondering if you're dead.